I apologize in advance for this rant. It is the byproduct of not enough sleep and a farcical conversation during an otherwise-uneventful rehire committee meeting. Read on at your own risk.
America, you're really starting to piss me off with your solja boy dance and your one-two-step and your bumping and grinding. I think it's high time we got you back to your patriotic roots. For far too long, hips have been too close together or dance moves too choreographed. Not since the 70's have things been this lame. We need a hero, a saviour for modern times. We need something to ring in 2008 with a real dancing bang.
Friends and neighbors, we need to bring back the Cabbage Patch.
I know that you're scoffing, possibly laughing, at the return of such a ridiculous dance, but it needs to come back. WHITE PEOPLE CAN DO THIS DANCE. Hell, I can do this dance. It's easier than the Running Man, doesn't require any backspins, and it works for damn near any song. It also gives me carte blanche to use my fists to keep the skanks offa my junk while I'm trying to bust a move to the latest MC Chris jam. (If you don't know who MC Chris is, stop reading now and google him. His backpack has jets.)
So when the apple drops and the latest thing from rapper-o-the-day comes on, bust out some old school Cabbage Patch and get your groove on. Only you can help breathe new life into this dance.