Thursday, April 10, 2008

RAVE: For the Ladies

I remember promising back when I wrote Zen and the One-Night Stand that I'd do something for the ladies eventually. Better late than never, I say. Now gals, some of this might offend you, so if you're the kind that takes things personally or gets offended easily - STOP READING RIGHT FUCKING NOW! If you aren't that kind of girl, take this for what you will and remember that I love all women and I'm really just trying to help. Now, on with the show.

Ladies, I am not your gay friend. I am a caveman. Not just any caveman, but a fearless unrepentant bastard of a caveman. I also think of myself as an educator and a public servant. Just like I used my talents late last year to help men do a better job of helping you scratch certain itches, I'm now returning the favor with some helpful hints on what men want and what you can do to give it to them.

FRESH BREATH: I'm serious, it goes a long way. If I'm talking to a girl and she's got a bad case of the assmouth, I'm not going to talk to her for long. If a guy offers you a mint, he's either got extra mints and is being polite, or he likes you enough to try and resolve an issue that's keeping him from asking to take you home. Either way, take the fucking mint. Better yet, carry your own (you have a frikkin' purse) and save him the trouble.

STAND OUT, REACH OUT, LOOK OUT: I shit you not, the girls that'll get the most action are the ones that don't look like all the other girls in the gaggle. If you're traveling with a pack of blondes, go red. Your girls are all in black? Be the one in white. Guys want the aberration because she looks more likely to be willing to part with her gaggle of girls. Parlay that uniqueness into something even cooler by actually initiating a conversation or two with guys. It'll intimidate the old fashioned ones out there, but those're the ones that just want you in the kitchen anyway. Don't fuck them. They're fertile.

LET US BUY YOU THINGS: I shit you not. Few things get on my nerves more than when I go to pay the whole ticket and somebody tries to stop me. The only thing that's worse is when you don't accept gifts. Guys have this weird biological imperative to provide. They feel valued and like they're contributing. Eat the free dinner, drink the free drinks, and express gratitude. We know that you're liberated and maybe a little insulted, but that's part of why we do it for you.

WHORE IT UP A LITTLE: Note that I said "A little." Show some skin, but leave the halter top for the outdoor music festival. Swear a bit, but leave the skank talk for later. Almost every guy wants a girl that looks slutty, but not too slutty; acts innocent, but not too innocent; gets drunk, but not too drunk; and will still likely put out. It's that strange dichotomy that keeps guys from ever doing anything right. We really have no idea what we want, but we want all of that and then some.

THINK ABOUT THE GYM: Ever hear the phrase "What we find pleasing to the eye and pleasing to the touch are seldom the same. 'Tis a shame." Well, that was written by a guy who preyed on women with poor self-image and who had never fucked a gymnast. That's right, it was written by a damned dirty lying predator. Don't become a slave to fitness or get all muscle-bound and shite, just get comfortable with your body and you'll be a thousand times hotter. It's also nice to be able to look at a girl and know that she'll have some energy in the sack. The prospect of having to do all the work all the time can be a real turn-off. While I don't subscribe to the anorexic standard of beauty, there's a reason you don't see a lot of lonely skinny pretty girls. Men're wired and conditioned to what that. It's better to know that and use it than to live in denial.

KISS WITH YOUR EYES OPEN: This goes for fucking, too. If I'm taking a girl to her happy place, I don't want her going to her imaginary happy place. Be present for that shit. Imagine Tyler Durden slapping the shit out of you after he dumps lye on your hand. Don't block that shit out. It's called intimacy for a reason. Fantasize while you're masturbating. Be there and involved and you just might find yourself not having to masturbate quite so often.

FUCK THE NICE GUY ON OCCASION: Got a good friend that's always been there for you? Remember that fella that held your hair while you puked, then made sure you got home safe and didn't molest you even once? Yeah. You do. Give him a reward toss or something - or at least hook him up with a friend of yours. Nice guys that finish last too often go out and learn from bastards like me and then aren't nice anymore. If you get to 'em before they get to that point, at least you can train them to do things you like.

CARRY PROTECTION: Condoms and mace. Seriously. Guys never think to bring that stuff, and if they do you have no idea how long it's been in their damned pocket. Better safe than sorry I say.

DON'T FAKE IT: I can tell. Most men can tell. Most of the time, we really don't care. What you do when you fake it is deny us the feedback we need to really get you off. That's just mean and unhelpful - and generally unfair to you because you aren't getting yours. If you're one of those gals that just can't, then patently ignore this advice and get yourself some therapy.

That's all I've got for now. If you've read this far and find my commentary inflammatory, I'd encourage you to go and read pretty much anything by Sam Harris (no relation). My social commentary is kindergarten stuff compared to the words this magnificent bastard strings together.

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